Once the initial shock of my pending divorce began to fade, I started addressing the legal issues.  I was given numerous worksheets that reviewed my income, expenses, property, stocks, savings and personal items I had long since forgotten.  I felt my life being dissected and examined like those poor frogs in high school biology class.

The division of property progressed rather smoothly.  We both made a list of what we wanted — I couldn’t live without the bedroom set, crystal and most things related to the kitchen.  He wanted the pool table and the massive surround sound stereo system we spent too much on.  The only two things we both wanted were the How The Grinch Stole Christmas musical ornament and the large flat-screen TV.  I let him keep the TV knowing I could buy a new and better one — which I did, a rather lovely 42″ plasma TV that I spent too much on but which I have enjoyed watching for many years.  I could not, however, part with The Grinch.

The division of friends was a bit more challenging.  I must admit that I didn’t have too many of “my own” friends.  During the last few years of my marriage, I began isolating from most people as it was too difficult to keep putting up a happy front when my marriage was falling apart.  As a result, most of our friends were couples we met through his various jobs, clubs and associations.  Shortly after we separated, I received a phone call from a friend who was in tears.  “I just heard!  I can’t believe it! What will you do?”, she cried.  I spent the next 30 minutes reassuring her that everything would be OK, that we would all still be friends and no one would have to “take sides”.  My ex and I came up with a system.  When we were invited to parties – our friends were extremely social- we would decide which one of us would attend.  I was the first to go to a party solo.  My stomach was in knots as I made my way through the crowd making small talk and clutching my glass of wine.  I saw many people I hadn’t seen in awhile and many who were unaware of my divorce.  They greeted me enthusiastically and asked where my “better half” was.  Their friendly faces turned from happy to bewildered as I explained that “we” were no longer a “we”.  Stumbling over their words of condolences, they would try to say something encouraging.  I would just giggle, put on my big girl smile and tell them it was OK, really, I’m OK.  The invites lasted about 6 months– they really were more his friends anyway and it just wasn’t the same being friends with couples when I was no longer a part of one.

I decided I needed to make my own friends.  “But how does one make friends?”, I pondered.  My brow furrowed and I tapped my cheek as I thought and thought, much like The Grinch as he devised his plot to ruin Christmas in Whoville.  Suddenly, it hit me!  I have to get out of the house.  All work and no play makes Mary a very dull girl!  “But what will I do?”, I asked myself.  “Well, what are you interested in?”, I replied.  “What am I interested in?  What an odd thing to consider!’, I reflected.  Thinking only of myself felt somewhat foreign, but I figured I had nothing to lose.  I started reconnecting with people and activities I had abandoned during the last years of my marriage.  I called old friends with whom I had not spoken.  It was awkward at first, telling people that I was divorced while also apologizing for losing contact and not being a better friend.  I was pleasantly surprised at the support I received.  I began attending Jazzercise classes again, signed up for Pilates and even took a pottery class (which was a disaster and will be discussed further in a future post!).  Slowly, I reconnected with old friends while making new ones.  Happily, I now have many close friends and continue to make new ones with each adventure I take.  I have also made a promise to myself:  I will always cherish my friends and will be present for them during good times and bad — both theirs andmine.  

If you are going through this “division of life” stage in your divorce, I offer a few insights:

  1. “Things” can be replaced.  Furniture, pictures and knickknacks can be negative reminders.  Identify the items that have real meaning for you and which do not.  Sometimes its good to replace the old with the new.  Express your creative side!  Buy that funky red couch or crazy lamp!
  2. Have faith in your true friends; they will be there for you.  Reach out and let them know you need them.
  3. You may lose contact with some friends, too.  Sometimes other people feel uncomfortable being around someone going through a loss, such as a divorce.  Don’t take it personally.  Wish them well, think kindly of them and continue on your journey.
  4. Explore new interests and try new things.  You will meet some amazing people and make new and wonderful friends!
  5. Ask yourself, “What promise will I make to myself?  What will I commit to doing differently from this point forward?”

Hugs & Hope,

Mary