Is your head spinning every time you watch a news report? Do you feel like nothing is EVER going to change? What if I told you that Congress could benefit from couples coaching? Don’t believe me? Well, let me explain…

Watching the behavior of the folks in Washington is like “deja vu all over again.” I’ve seen this very thing countless times in my work with couples – two sides, both claiming they want to solve the problems of the family and yet can’t stop fighting long enough to move forward.

And, it boils down to two rather basic concepts: communication and conflict resolution.

The first is communication, because with out it, there can be no conflict resolution (except to launch a missile attack but that would fall into the category of domestic violence and is beyond the scope of this blog).

Dr. John Gottman has been studying marriages for decades.   Based on observing how couples argue, he can predict with 91% accuracy, which relationships will survive and which are highly likely to end. One of the indicators is “The Four Horseman of The Apocalypse.”   I will focus on two today:

  1. Criticism/Blame: Complaints are different than criticism – we all have complaints about each but when the complaints turn into criticisms, we got problems.   Complaints target behavior (“I wish you had told me that you wouldn’t be home for dinner because you were working late tonight”) while a criticism attacks the other person’s character (“Why are you so self-centered? I wouldn’t have wasted my time cooking if you were going to be late”).
  1. Contempt: This horseman takes criticism a step further and involves contemptuous comments directed at each other. Sarcasm, name-calling, mockery and hostile humor are a few examples. Dr. Gottman asserts that this is the worst of the 4 Horseman because it communicates disgust towards the other person – how can a problem be resolved if a spouse feels disgusted towards another? (“You’re such a baby. Waaaaaaaa” while whipping fake tears from their eyes.”)

I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing an awful lot of criticism and contempt in Washington. Here are my recommendations from my research and work with couples:

  • Make an agreement that you are both willing to move forward without criticism, blame or contempt
  • Start soft and lose the “I win, you lose” mentality. Be clear and describe what is happening – don’t evaluate or judge yourself or your partner.
  • When discussing the problem address the behavior, not the person.
  • Use “I” statements such as “I need” or “I feel” rather than “You need to” or “You make me feel”
  • Remain present and try to understand what the other is truly saying and feeling, rather than focusing on your counter response.

 

As the saying goes, “It ain’t over till it’s over.” Committing to working together to move forward and focusing on solving the problem rather than blaming can go along way to settle disputes and it just may save your relationship.

 

Stay tuned for next month’s blog to learn more about communication that will enhance your relationships!