I remember the scene as if it were yesterday.  It was Friday, June 21 – the first day of summer and the longest day of the year.  I was sitting in bed after dinner, reading the latest addition of People Magazine and looking at a picture of Michael C. Hall and his new wife.   She’s cute, I thought.  My husband entered the room and sat on the bed next to me.  “You know I love you, don’t you?”, he said.  “Of course I know”, I replied.  He bowed his head, took a deep breath, looked up at me and said, “I have been unhappy for some time and I want a divorce……”  My heart started racing, pounding as if it may just burst from my chest.  I could hear the blood rushing in my ears and my stomach turned.  I began to cry.

We had met 18 years earlier in college.  We were friends until we became romantically involved during our senior year.  Two years later we were married.  Everyone thought we made the perfect couple.  People called us “Ken and Barbie”, which I always found somewhat offensive.  “I am not a ‘Barbie’”, I would argue to anyone who would listen.  He, however, found this comparison quite amusing and would chuckle at my protestations.

“I have been unhappy for some time and I want a divorce….”  As the reality of his words penetrated my brain and my heart, I felt numb.  I, too, had not been “happy” for some time.  I spent the first sleepless night thinking of the years I spent refusing to face my own unhappiness, of convincing myself that my marriage was “OK”, of being alone while he was “out with the boys”, of moving around the country supporting his move up the corporate ladder while each time having to put my own career on the back burner.  Focusing on his hobbies, his friends, his everything had resulted in a complete loss of self.  I didn’t know who I was anymore.  As the sun rose Saturday morning, a terrible truth materialized.  Oh my God, I had become Barbie.

I called my Mom and admitted that my marriage was over.  Crying, I questioned how I was going to survive.  I was worried about finances and about being alone.  “Who is ever going to want me?”, I asked.  Through her own tears, she assured me that I would not only be OK but, at some point, I would be even better.  I was scared but felt strangely relieved.  The secret was finally out.

The only person I knew locally (yes, we had just relocated again!) was my sister.  I drove to her house, knocked on the door and broke down sobbing.  She sat with me on the couch as I told her I was getting divorced.  She was shocked and concerned but told me, “It’s going to be OK, we’ll get through this”.  She asked me to stay with her so I wouldn’t be alone.  We spent the rest of the day crying, playing Trivial Pursuit, and drinking Apple Martinis.  She held my hand as I called our Dad, our brother and our other sister.  The rest of the weekend was a blur.

Monday morning arrived with minimal hours of sleep.  Exhausted, both physically and emotionally, I wondered how I was going to get through the day, the week, the month.  It was then that I said to myself, “Get up, go to work and do whatever you need to do to just get through this one day.”  My journey as a divorced woman began…

During this initial phase of my journey, I learned:

1.  Divorce is a loss and it is OK (even healthy!) to experience the stages of grief including denial and anger.  Remember there is a difference between feeling and action. You can feel and process the feeling without acting in a self-defeating manner.

2.  Surround yourself and spend time with loving people who will support you through your transition to a new life.

3.  Take care of yourself!  Eat healthy, exercise and try to sleep!  The healthier you are physically, the better you will be able to face the challenges.

4.  Take it one day at a time!  Most likely your marriage didn’t end in a day and you won’t feel better in a day.  It takes time but it will happen!  Have faith!

I invite you to join me as I share stories and insights from my journey.  It has been a miraculous journey filled with laughter and tears, triumphs and failures.  I am living the life that I always wanted for myself but never had the courage to reach for.  I am proof that you can lead a more fulfilling and satisfying life.  It just sometimes takes a little push.

Hope & Hugs,

Mary