Power & Control: Why Congress is Like A Dysfunctional Marriage: Part 2

Power & Control: Why Congress is Like A Dysfunctional Marriage: Part 2

Whenever two or more people get together, there’s bound to be disagreement of some sort. Disagreement is a part of life and is often necessary to solve problems effectively.   As one of the great leaders and communicators, Winston Churchill stated, “If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”

Disagreements that go unresolved and are allowed to fester, however, become full blown conflicts.  Any progress being made comes to a screeching halt.   Considering that two people often have difficulty resolving differences, it’s really no wonder that we have the mess we have in Washington, D.C.

My last blog discussed 2 of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Dr. John Gottman’s predictors of which relationships will survive and which are highly likely to end: blaming/criticism and contempt (Why Congress Is Like A Dysfunctional Marriage And How To Save Yours!)

When trying to resolve conflict, it’s important to also consider conflict’s favorite partner in crime – power. People in higher power positions – either real or imagined—manage conflict much differently than those in lower power positions.  Differing power positions can be seen in all types of relationships –  spouses, friends, coworkers, supervisors and yes, our elected officials.

The relationship between power and conflict is at the heart of the other 2 Horsemen of the Apocalypse: stonewalling and defensiveness.

1. Stonewalling: People in higher power positions tend to have a “take it or leave it” or the “my way or the highway” approach to conflict.  They may use intimidation, both aggressively in the form of threats and passively through “stonewalling”.   Stonewalling is a way to shut down the discussion by refusing to respond. Examples include changing the subject, the silent treatment, being emotionally distant, and physically removing oneself from the situation (I’m taking my ball and going home!)   Men are more likely than women to stonewall – they believe they are losing control and need to take a time out.  Taking a break isn’t a bad idea but often the discussion never resumes. You can’t resolve a conflict if one person is refusing to engage in conversation with the other.
2. Defensiveness:  People who are in lower power positions believe (sometimes correctly) they are being attacked or criticized and they feel the need to defend themselves. The person on the defense often feel like they are the victim, will deny responsibility for the problem by diverting or deflecting (How about then YOU failed to tell me that you had plans for the evening and I waited around for you?), may become passive aggressive, make excuses and “yes-butting” – they start by agreeing but end up disagreeing.   Defensiveness starts a circular process of blaming and attacking and a vicious conflict cycle ensues.

Sound familiar? Thought so…

Here are my recommendations for addressing stonewalling and defensiveness based on my work with families and couples:

• Schedule a time to have the conversation when there is minimal distractions and maximum privacy.
• Make an agreement that you will continue without stonewalling or defensiveness.
• Be aware of emotional overwhelm and take the time to cool down. Some tips to calm down: deep breathing, distract yourself with an activity for 30 minutes (don’t obsess!) and ask yourself centering questions such as “What would my best self do?” “Next week (or month or year), how do I want to look back on this situation?” or “How do I want to feel about myself when this conflict is over?”
• If you have to pause the conversation due to emotional overwhelm, agree on a time to continue the discussion
• Look for commonality or the 2% truth. There is always something that people can agree on.  Identify what you both know to be true and build from there.

It aint’ always easy but it’s pretty simple. Being committed to solving the problem and putting one’s ego and pride to the side will help relationships to survive the most turbulent of times.

Hugs & Hope,

Mary

Mary C. Owens, MSW, CDC® is a Clinical Social Worker and CDC Certified Divorce Coach® with over 25 years helping hundreds of clients overcome tremendous challenges and make amazing life transitions.