Many of my clients seek me out several months after their divorce has been “finalized.”  They often say they are confused or disappointed because “I should be over it already” or “I’m finally divorced but I’m having difficulty letting go”.   They beat themselves up because they feel like they are “crazy” or somehow deficient in some way.

Truth is there are several types of divorce: legal, financial, social and emotional. Everyone is familiar with the legal divorce – the process of meeting with attorneys, filing papers, mediation and finally the judge signing the final documentation that officially ends a marriage.

The Emotional Divorce is perhaps more challenging because there is no definite endpoint, no signature and date to notify you that “you are now emotionally over it”.   Everyone has their own way of going through the emotional process of divorce and several factors influence this process: length of marriage, amount of significant marital discord, who is the initiator of the divorce and are both parties in agreement with the decision to divorce.  Rarely are the legal and emotional divorces finalized at the same time.

Divorce is an ending and as a result, there are losses and a grieving process involved. The losses include: loss of the marital relationship, loss of other relationships (in-laws, friends), loss of the dreams you had for yourself and family and many more.   It is important to recognize and honor the grief and losses you are experiencing.

Stages of Grief:

  1. Denial/Shock: You “know” in your head that the relationship is over but your heart doesn’t really believe it.   You may have fantasies of how things will magically work out or experience tunnel vision (seeing small glimmers of hope surrounded by a sea of problems). Some may experience euphoric recall – you focus on the good times of the marriage to the exclusion or minimization of the problems that lead to the divorce.
  2. Anger: You are pissed – at him/her, God, the Universe, family, friends, the mailman and often yourself.
  3. Bargaining: This phase is similar to denial.   You are looking for any possible way to save the marriage through promises, threats, or magical thinking. You promise to change, you tell your spouse the kids will suffer, you tell yourself that you will never be happy, you plan a vacation because if you and he could just get away….
  4. Depression: People experience depression differently. Some have no energy and can’t seem to get out of bed. Others have too much energy and can’t sit still. There may be changes in appetite, social interaction, or mood. Problem solving and concentration can be difficult.   Feelings of hopelessness may make you believe you will never feel normal again.
  5. Acceptance: Gradually you make peace with the losses, although there may still be occasional feelings of sadness, particularly around anniversaries, birthdays and holidays. Acceptance allows you to let go of the relationship and slowly recreate your life.

This is not a linear process – one day you are depressed, the next you are angry and another day you still can’t believe this divorce is even happening. This emotional roller coaster ride may be uncomfortable but it is normal and there will be an endpoint, I promise!

To help you through the grieving process, reflect on these questions:

  1. What losses are you experiencing?
  2. What stage of grief are you struggling with the most?
  3. What have you tried to do to manage your emotions?

When experiencing intense emotions such as sadness or anger, ask yourself these questions:

  1. What am I feeling? Name the emotion (I’m feeling sad, angry, disappointed, etc.)
  2. What is triggering the emotion?
  3. What do I need that I’m not getting?
  4. What can I do to manage these feelings in a healthy manner so I don’t sabotage myself by doing unhealthy things (overeating, drinking too much alcohol, smoking, etc.)?

You can and will get through the grieving process and when you do, you can begin to rebuild and recreate a life that is more satisfying and fulfilling than you ever dreamed possible.

Hugs & Hope,

Mary

Mary C. Owens, MSW, CDC® is a Clinical Social Worker and CDC Certified Divorce Coach® with over 25 years helping hundreds of clients overcome tremendous challenges and make amazing life transitions.

For more information please visit https://www.marycowens.com